“Daring to set boundaries is about
having the courage to love ourselves,
even when we risk disappointing others.”
~~ Brené Brown
Greetings to all my precious people!!
Your Large Intestine knows something your mind often forgets: not everything that enters your system is meant to stay. Every day, your body performs the miraculous act of discerning what serves your highest vitality and releasing what doesn’t – no guilt, no negotiation, just clear, decisive elimination. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the Large Intestine is the Lung’s perfect partner, completing the Metal element’s wisdom of conscious receiving and conscious releasing.
The Sacred Art of Saying No
At midlife, when we’ve accumulated decades of experience with what works and what doesn’t, we’re finally equipped to apply this same wisdom to our emotional, energetic, and relational lives. The question isn’t whether you need better boundaries – it’s whether you’re ready to trust your inner knowing enough to enforce them.
The Science of Healthy Boundaries
Neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel’s research on “differentiation” shows that healthy boundaries actually enhance our capacity for connection, not diminish it. When we can clearly sense where we end and others begin, we can engage more authentically rather than from a place of defensive reaction or codependent merging.
Studies from the University of Rochester reveal that people with clear boundaries have lower cortisol levels, better immune function, and significantly higher life satisfaction. Meanwhile, research on “emotional contagion” demonstrates that individuals without healthy boundaries literally absorb others’ emotions and stress, leading to chronic inflammation and adrenal dysfunction.
But here’s what’s particularly relevant for women in midlife: Dr. Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability shows that boundaries aren’t walls – they’re gates. They allow us to choose consciously what we let in and what we keep out, creating space for authentic intimacy while protecting our essential energy for what matters most.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, following lives for over 80 years, reveals that people who maintain clear boundaries in relationships while remaining open to connection report the highest levels of life satisfaction and longevity. It turns out that saying “no” to what doesn’t serve us is actually saying “yes” to what does.
Autumn’s Elimination Wisdom
In Chinese Medicine, autumn is the season when the large intestine’s energy peaks. This organ system governs not just physical elimination but our ability to release anything that’s no longer serving our highest good – toxic relationships, outdated beliefs, commitments that drain rather than energize, and the accumulated “shoulds” that keep us from living authentically.
**Signs your energetic large intestine needs attention:**
– Difficulty saying no without guilt or over-explanation
– Physical constipation or digestive issues (especially during stress)
– Feeling drained after social interactions
– Taking on others’ emotions or problems as your own
– Resentment building up in relationships
– Holding onto grudges or past hurts
– Saying yes when you mean no, then feeling angry
– Exhaustion that doesn’t improve with rest
The Metal element’s emotion is grief, and this is crucial for boundary work: we must grieve who we used to be (the people-pleaser, the endless giver, the one who never said no) in order to become who we’re meant to be. Every healthy boundary honors both what we’re releasing and what we’re protecting.
The Four Pillars of Autumn Boundary Medicine
- Physical Boundaries: Your Body’s Wisdom
*Based on somatic therapy and interoception research*
Your body always knows before your mind does. Practice checking in:
– **The Expansion/Contraction Check**: When someone makes a request, does your body expand (yes) or contract (no)?
– **The Energy Scan**: After interactions, do you feel energized or drained?
– **The Tension Tracker**: Where in your body do you hold the stress of poor boundaries?
**This week’s practice**: Before saying yes to any request, pause and ask your body first.
- Emotional Boundaries: Distinguishing Your Feelings from Others’
*Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s empath research*
Many midlife women have spent decades absorbing others’ emotions. Time to practice differentiation:
– **The Ownership Question**: “Is this feeling mine, or am I picking it up from someone else?”
– **The Return Practice**: When you notice you’ve absorbed someone’s emotion, consciously give it back: “This anxiety belongs to you, not me.”
– **The Shield Visualization**: Imagine a protective boundary around your energy field that allows love in but keeps drama out.
- Time and Energy Boundaries: Sacred Resource Management
*Based on research from Cal Newport on deep work and attention management*
Your time and energy are finite resources. Protecting them isn’t selfish – it’s stewardship:
– **The Calendar Audit**: What activities consistently drain vs. energize you?
– **The Commitment Filter**: Before saying yes, ask: “Does this align with who I’m becoming or who I used to be?”
– **The Energy Investment**: “Will saying yes to this give me energy to serve what matters most?”
- Relational Boundaries: Love Without Losing Yourself
*Drawing from John Gottman’s relationship research and attachment theory*
Healthy relationships require clear boundaries, not their absence:
– **The Differentiation Practice**: “I can love you and disagree with you.”
– **The Rescue Refusal**: Stopping yourself from fixing, saving, or managing others’ lives
– **The Authentic Response**: Speaking your truth instead of what you think others want to hear
Lunar Boundaries: Working with October’s Full Moon Energy
This week brings us toward the Full Moon in Aries (October 13th) – powerful energy for asserting healthy boundaries. Aries asks us to claim our space, our truth, our right to exist authentically. Full moon energy illuminates what needs to be released, making this perfect timing for boundary work.
** Full Moon Boundary Ritual **
– Write down three relationships or commitments that consistently drain your energy
– For each one, ask: “What boundary would restore my vitality here?”
– Choose one boundary to implement this week
– Trust that saying no to what depletes you creates space for what replenishes you
From Personal Boundaries to Community Leadership
Here’s what I’m witnessing: women who learn to maintain healthy boundaries don’t become isolated – they become magnetic. When you stop people-pleasing and start showing up authentically, you attract people who want the real you, not the performing version.
This is crucial preparation for the kind of leadership our world needs. A woman with clear boundaries can hold space for others without losing herself. She can offer support without enabling dependence. She can love fiercely without sacrificing her essential self.
** Questions for reflection **
– How might your boundary work be preparing you for bigger service?
– What becomes possible when you stop managing everyone else’s feelings?
– How does authentic self-protection actually increase your capacity to love?
The Deeper Invitation: Boundary Medicine as Service
I’m creating spaces for women who are ready to move beyond individual boundary work into collective transformation. Because here’s what I’m learning: the world doesn’t need more women who exhaust themselves trying to be everything to everyone. The world needs women who are so clear about their essential medicine that they can offer it generously without depleting themselves.
**If this resonates and you’re ready for the deeper work** – learning to use your accumulated wisdom not just for personal healing but as medicine for your community – I’d love to explore what that might look like. The boundary work you’re doing now? It’s preparation for the leadership that’s calling you.
This isn’t about becoming selfish. It’s about becoming so aligned with your authentic self that your very presence becomes healing for others. Interested in exploring this further? Let’s talk.
Integration Invitation
This week, practice one boundary that’s been calling you. Start small – it might be not checking email after 8pm, or saying “let me think about it” instead of immediately saying yes to requests.
Notice what your mind tells you about boundaries (selfish, mean, disappointing others) versus what your body experiences (relief, spaciousness, increased energy). Trust your body’s wisdom.
Remember: every healthy boundary is an act of love – love for yourself and love for others. When you stop saying yes from obligation, your yes becomes more meaningful. When you stop giving from depletion, your gifts become more nourishing.
The Large Intestine knows: what serves stays, what doesn’t goes. No drama, no guilt, just clear, loving discernment in service of life.
*Next Friday: **GRIEF** – The Hidden Gateway to Autumn’s Deepest Medicine*
*P.S. What shifts when you honor your body’s boundary wisdom? I’m curious about your discoveries – they might be exactly what someone else needs to hear to begin their own boundary revolution.*
“No is a complete sentence.”
~~ Anne Lamott
